Chapter 26

Happy birthday to me.

It’s funny, as you get older birthdays mean less and less, unless it’s a milestone birthday, I get most people feel a bit depressed leaving your twenties or turning 50. I can’t comment as I’m 26 today. Feeling about 90 in my body.

This birthday is very different for me, for two reasons one good and one not so good. One is that I have my son so I get to share it with him and second is I have my ME so I have to share it with that.

I remember being 10 and birthdays were just the best thing ever. Oh how times change.

26 just means I’m getting closer to 30.. now that scares me. One of the biggest things I’ve learnt as I’ve got older is to not take things or people for granted. I’ve had a few deaths happen in the past year and a half and it’s made me realise how important your loved ones are.

I used to be so emotionally strong but that’s slowly faded away after having my son. I think as a mother you feel things so deeply and see things so differently. I used to love true crime documentaries about serial killers, now I can’t really listen to them. It makes me cry for those poor children.

I’m not sure what chapter 26 brings for me, I am hoping for peace, support and wellness.

It I could want for anything this birthday it would be to be better and be rid of this illness. We all know that cannot happen.

Yesterday was hard, I went from being “OK” as you’re never “good” when having ME or any chronic illness to feeling like absolute death. I was sick, literally, had a huge hot flush, headachy, earache and felt so ill. This is a new one for me.

Luckily it’s a doctors day today, Woohoo! No, but I am genuinely looking forward to it. I think going to the doctors gives me somewhat a tiny bit of reassurance, I’m so lucky that my doctor has finally listened to me. My last appointment I got referred to the perinatal clinic, anything to help me is key.

The insomnia is killing me right now, having to sleep with my head down the bottom of the bed and my feet at the top, it’s the only way to get sleep. Why? Why does this illness make the smallest things so hard?

For someone who has fatigue 24/7 and extreme tiredness/exhaustion and the one thing that takes the edge of is sleep and you just cannot sleep isn’t really that helpful is it?

I’m torn. Sleeping pills… I have some. But I’m so reluctant. My son wake’s usually 5am and if I’ve taken sleeping pills I’m so drowsy. I feel like I can’t win.

Hopefully chapter 26 has some happiness for me.

It’s super difficult to have that mindset right now.

But, I’m holding out hope.