G’evening, recently I’ve been thinking about how blank my mindset has gone. I used to be this snappy, fast, quick thinker and I’ve gone from that to blankness.
Sometimes I find myself in the midst of doing things and I notice that I don’t even know what I am doing, forgetfulness, brain fog, it’s unreal. It’s like a disease in itself right now. I’ve never had such a blank mindset. It’s not me.
The insomnia has improved slightly, but not great. I find myself still sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed and my feed at the headboard, weird right?
I turned 26 on august 16th. I don’t even know how I feel about aging anymore, I guess it depresses me now thinking I’ll gradually just age but my body is already at the age of a 90 year old women. My step mum said I’d be super prepared for menopause which I see that as a positive! I probably won’t even notice I’m going through it.
She’s great. She’s the ONE person to pull me to one side and genuinely listen to me, recently. I find it extremely hard with my friends and family and I still do. She’s cool, and she’s great at trying to understand and use the correct words.
I wish more people were like her.
Birthday celebrations were super different this year, went for alcoholic drinks, fab. Next day, I’d been hit by a truck. Twice, maybe even three times.
My dad came down to visit, it was great but I burnt myself out way too much, then I regret things. I just wish I could enjoy doing “normal” things. RIP that feeling. I couldn’t even leave the house Sunday or Monday, my bones ached, my muscles felt numb and raw, my whole body felt like it weighed a TON. The tiredness was extreme, I could’ve slept for days, weeks, months.
I’ve been looking into a drug called LDN. I am super intrigued but it’s a super low chance of getting it via the NHS. It’s a private drug, you have to pay to see a doctor (in Scotland, via video call) pay for a prescription and delivery of said per prescription every month or every 3 months. Costly. Maybe it could change my life though?
Lately I’ve been tight chested. That’s not good, trying to not worry people. I feel like such a nuisance lately going on about how tired I am.
I hate it when people ask how I am because every time the answer is the same.
I wonder what will happen with my 26th year. God knows. More pain? More exhaustion? I at least get to see my little boy grow up, although that makes me sad too. But happy.
One thing I miss the most is my mind, my speedy, quick thinking, mind. I no longer acquire. It’s gone. I feel like I’m broken and more pieces keep falling and fading. I don’t know if I’ll ever get them back again.
Grieving is so hard, and grieving yourself, who is still alive is even harder. I have no words to explain.
How can I say goodbye to myself when I’m still me? I still have these memories and I still have thoughts about what I could do before.
I’ll forever miss that part of me.
My mind.
My journey with ME 